The following question was adapted from an article by Mark Driscoll at marshill.com. Which of the following five negative attitudes do you catch yourself falling into and how often?
- SIN You can decide that God has not come through for you, so you take matters into your own hands. You decide to be someone who parties a lot, casually dates people you’d never marry, sleeps around, moves in with someone, or does other things that will really hurt your relationship with God. If you take this path, you will eventually come to feel horrible for what you have done and miserable in the world you live.
- SURRENDER You can give up on ever meeting someone worth marrying. You can just stop taking any risks, meeting any people, or trying in any way. Often this is because you are sick of getting your heart broken and would rather lock it away in a vault than take another risk. But when you shut down your heart to life in general, you are not just foregoing marriage but also hope and joy.
- SETTLE You can lower your standards to the point that nearly anyone can meet them. Single men and women are prone to have a list of what they want in a spouse that is way too detailed, long, and unreasonable. But, it is also possible to keep editing your list to the point where “godly spouse" eventually becomes “believes in a higher power of some sort,” and “I love him/her” becomes “I think I can put up with them.” This may get you a spouse, but not a long-term, joy-filled, God-honoring marriage.
- SUFFER You can allow your singleness to become the devastating, discouraging, and defining aspect of your life. You can let it make you feel unwanted, unloved, and unworthy. You can allow it to haunt you, pushing you into shame, isolation, and despair. You can let your singleness be a club for Satan to beat you with over, and over, and over, and over . . .
- STRIVE You can start to obsess over doing literally everything you can to land a spouse. You never leave the house without looking like you are going out on a date. You obsess over your appearance. You start an account for every Christian dating site that exists. You attend every church with a decent number of singles, and never miss a singles ministry event at any m"decent" church within a two-hour drive of your home. The center of your life is no longer Jesus, but someone you are determined to attract to fill his place. Which of these options best describes the negative attitude you can find yourself in when feeling down? (You can tick more than one)
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As a single person, if there was one thing you could change about Reading Family Church what would it be?
- More opportunities to meet with other single people not just socially but in supporting each other with the untruths that circulate in your head!
- Not putting pressure on 2 single people of the opposite sex that might be interested in each other.... be patient
- Have single programme in order to help people, because we always have marriage course and dinner but nothing for single.
- That more families would include singles in invitations to meals/activities rather than just inviting other couples/families
- Nothing - I think RFC handles singless well and actually I dont think that it's something that needs to be brought up too regularly - the reason being, I dont regularly think about my singleness... and i certainly dont let it get me down, so when someone draws attention to it then I become aware of it, along with all the emotion that goes with it.
- More consideration to the stories we tell. What metaphors or anecdotes do we use when we preach? How well do these speak to single people? Do our stories privilege certain kinds of lifestyles? (i.e. married with young-ish children living at home).
- It would be good to give more prominence and profile to single people. It seems that couples are more commonly asked to lead Life Groups, for example.
- Not as much as RFC issue, but a Church issue in general. There needs to be more emphasis on the fact that is FINE to be single, and that singleness whether a temporary season, or permanent- is an equal calling to that of being in a commited relationship. In addition, that you can date with intent whilst going at a pace that isn't super fast.
- Want more interaction with adult couples so that I can see what a long term relationship (with God) can look like.
- More church ministry opportunities you can get involved in that really only single people could do with their time, eg more short mission trips/ travelling in UK, so feel like their singleness is being celebrated?!
- Quite often as a single person you are not invited round to people's house for dinner. But then as soon as you become a couple you're instantly worth having over for a meal. Would be good if more couples saw the value of getting to know single people as both parties have a lot to offer each other.
- Less relationship speculation
- I would love it if it was talked about more. I don't want people who are single to be veiwed as people who are waiting for marriage.
- It feels like there are more support channels for married couples or people in relationships - with things like the marriage course. I'm not suggesting that a singles course is the solution to this.
- Perhaps to find a Godly partner, one must break the walls of cliques between the young adults of RFC.
- Not sure about that but Church would always do well to reinforce the message that marriage is not the happy ending fitting for all, it's not even an ending, it's the beginning of an oftentimes gruelling hike and then the wedding ring doesn't even cross the finishing line!
- Mornings are so so hard. But I went to the evenings and I feel too old for those meetings. Would come back to the mornings but it doesn't seem as accessible to singles unless your a student. I don't know what the church can do if I'm honest but I know others who tried the morning and felt too single and left. The problem is it is a family church and there are less single and older people .
- Singleness would be talked about more. Not just the pitfalls but the good stuff as well and an encouragement to be accountable, particularly if living on your own.
- It would be great if perhaps events were organised each term with other churches nearby, giving single people the opportunity to meet new people in a subtle way.
- The big focus on marraige, and feeling that being single is just an "in between" phase rather than also focussing on singleness.
- More single orientated events. (not dating events!!) Lot of family events and events for males and females individually but not many events for singles, to just spend time together with others who love the same Father.
- An aim to encourage friendship groups of students to mix more with different groups of students. It can be a bit exclusive.
- More social events for 20s-30s.
- More advice on purity and how we can become a person suitable for a Godly spouse.
- Would be nice to be invited to dinner with couples, so I can see how's it's done
- Greater opportunity to get to know family's. And a cheeky second, I have seen several older couples looking out for younger new couples. I would love to see couples taking single people under their wing too.
- To make it easier for singles to naturally meet. This is incredibly difficult to do in a large church.
- Not so much focus on being in a relationship but instead talking about what such a gift it can be - it's taken me a long time to get there!
- The way marriage is pushed on you as soon as you date someone. It shouldn't be rushed, if the marriage is to last we have to have time to learn whether we are compatible and ready.
- Discussions on Godly marriage,how to undertake Godly relationships,tips and advice.
- Have more social events that are 'singles' friendly or have more seminar type events that will encourage those that are not comfortable with their singleness.
- Occasionally, through sermons (especially Ruth!) there appears to be an unspoken attitude that it is God's best for us to marry, that singleness is a temporary pain to be endured. I see little example of singleness being upheld or of teaching as in Matthew 19!
- The name! I nearly didn't even try RFC because the "Family" bit implied to me that the church was just about married couples with kids (as many churches truly seem to be!)
- Not to keep bringing up expectations that "one day you'll get married" and to be radical and say that the singleness described in I Cor is precious and valuable, and not to idolise it (at the risk of closing yourself off to relationships) but to treasure it.
- Maybe have 'prayer buddies' or something like that where two single people pray for each other- one of the hardest things about being single sometimes is that you feel there is no one to share your littlest problems with because you think no one else will care. Having someone to share even the little things with and to pray for you could be really encouraging.
- More men (jokes) nothing that comes to mind.
- Speed dating or talking more about how on earth does a christian female put herself 'out there'? Partially joking as per speed dating, partially not. The advice given, not at RFC, but in generic dating teaching, is you may meet people at work or at church. But what if you work with all females, and what if there is a lack of a dating pool at church,especially in the age range? Get more holy eligible bachelor christian blokes into the kingdom please, thanks :p that would be my request.
- I actually think it's quite good. My home church is very "marriage focused" (not on purpose it's just the atmosphere that has developed) and i think Reading Family church does avoid this
- The culture that everyone should be married in order to be happy/fulfilled
- I would hope that it would be reasonably similar to if I got married.
- Working with vulnerable children in mission work abroad in Africa or other countries. I want to do that anyway so am hoping if I do meet someone they'll want to do the same. Who knows!!
- A woman that was made complete fully in God
- I have not thought of that because I don't think I will stay single for the rest of my life.
- That it didn't define me. That I used my singleness to serve others in ways that married couples cant. That I still lived to love and glorify God and was adventurous i.e. did what I felt called to, jobs/travel etc and didn't let being single stop me!!
- That I was a valued member of the FAMILY of RFC and not just a single lady
- Now that's a good question... I have no answers!
- (I'm not sure why the first half of that question is necessary? What effect does being single/married have on one's dreams? Genuine question - perhaps I don't know because I've never been married!) In answer: I'd like to be remembered for living life to the full.
- For using my singleness to glorify God- to take my singleness as a gift and to use it to serve the Church and those around me in the same way I would serve my wife and children. To commit myself to loving, caring and protecting those- in ways that I wouldn't/couldn't if I were married. To love and invest in those who also felt without family.
- To be known as a joyful person who lived to glorify God and who didn't need to find fulfilment in marriage.
- The time and work i put into discipling people, encouraging people and crazy adventures i went on for God because i was just always free to say yes to them with no ties
- Someone who lived in the present and did not let joy get stolen in the hoping and 'waiting'. Someone who always hoped, but lived in relationship with God/Jesus first and foremost and continually aimed to live in HIS will and with immense FAITH. That GOD/JESUS was and will always be the core of their very being.
- Being married shouldn't define me. That shouldn't be what my whole life is about. It can easily become the focus of my attention but if I am to live a Godly life then I want to be remembered for showing Jesus' love to everyone and keeping him at the centre of my life. Just because you don't get married doesn't mean you can't have a good legacy. Being a committed Chrisian isn't about ticking the I'm married box, it's about showing love and grace in a world where that can often be harsh and unforgiving. This question actually helps me Focus on what my mission should be and helps me remember once again that I don't have to be married to be fulfilled.
- A legacy of loving God and others with all of me
- If I am single it will be for god. It would need to be for his glory. Otherwise there's no point.
- Dont know
- Serve God for the rest of my days here on Earth. Commit my singleness and energy to his way for me. Let the world know or even be brave enough to bring changes in our local communities and country.
- To be known for giving myself to the work that God had for me
- That I served God and people could see the Holy Spirit through me.
- being the Batman
- Pursuing God whole-heartedly and confidently
- The same legacy I would want to leave even if I wasn't single for the rest of my life: that I loved God and loved others, not just in word but in deed; that I was quick to apologise and willing to change; and that I didn't squander the gifts God gave me but did everything for His glory.
- Being a good friend to others. The difference I have made in my work. Work has taken too big a place in my life because of my singleness but it fills a gap.
- That I did all that God asked of me, preferably without too much grumbling, in particular loved people.
- I would want to be remembered for being a friendly, positive and cheerful person.
- Using the time i have to bless others.
- Single or married, I would want my life legacy to be a person who fervently desired the Father heart of God and followed it passionately. Someone who loved as Christ loved us. Someone who stood steadfast in what I know and believe to be true. Someone who inspires. Someone who changes things rather than simply talks about changing them. At the end of the day, someone who forgave, actively did to see change and who loved; loved God, loved people and love them-self, not because I am worthy or good enough, but because He has made me worthy and good enough and perfect, all in His image.
- Doing great things for God around the world, something like that which can often be easier when single and can show a strong sense of female power and independence.
- Being the best father I could have been for my children.
- someone who was not ashamed of being single and let God shine through it, and work with it :)
- hat God used my singleness to do something extraordinary
- A mark on history
- Being someone who invested in people. But of all generations, not just my own.
- Being a great friend, working hard, achieving memorable experiences, tackling challenges.
- That I was hospitable to couples and singles and that I'd be able to encourage and bless couples with the spare time and money I have
- That I was someone who reveled in it and used it to the best of my advantage, it was just the way I was and not something tht defined my life.
- To look after other people's children
- That I gave my life wholeheartedly to God,encouraging others and placing something good into the world.That I loved those around me as much as I would a husband.
- If i was single I would want to leave a legacy that said, 'she didn't let her singleness get her down'
- That I was a God fearing woman who did her best to do his will.
- always having time for others, helping and being a good listener.
- To have a positive attitude about being single and be an example to young women who may also be in the same position as me.
- One of the sins which I think I am prone to is to want to have a legacy!! Especially if I remain single and so don't have children to remember me, I want to do something significant, pioneering or important and of lasting value. I want to work with the poor, especially with children who do not have parent figures in their life... but while this might sound self sacrificing I know that I am in part driven by pride that others might look at all the amazing things I have endured and achieved in my life!
- EXACTLY THE SAME AS IF I GOT MARRIED!! That is, I would wan to be remembered as someone who reflected God's love to all those around me. That goal remains the same regardless of whether I marry and have a family or not.
- Whole heartily trusting God!
- Someone who served the community and served the church and loved God, and was supernaturally happy because the Spirit of God was living inside their body.
- that I was compassionate about caring for those in need.
- Being a person who exudes love for people
- not sure
- Equipping the next generation and generations to come, releasing the kingdom of heaven on earth, telling people about Jesus. Standard christian life stuff basically.
- I think i would like to be remembered for being a good friend. Being single would make it a lot easier to be able to drop everything to help someone out and i wouldn't wanna waste that opportunity.
- I don't think I would, once I'm dead my legacy and being remembered will be the last thing on my mind!
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