RFC Marrieds on Singleness Survey

Another enormous post. Brace yourself...

What was the best thing about being single?

• Man speaking: Fun and freedom and enjoying the company of many girls.
• Free time was my time!
• Decision making flexibility in scheduling and activities
• Having more 'free' time to spend how I liked and with a range of people. I think I had a lot more time for friends because once you're married a lot of that time is spent with your partner. Being more flexible.
• Having good times with friends. Having more time to have to yourself for chilling or quiet times with God.
• You can do what you want when you want with no one else to take into consideration. You can spend your money how you'd like to and treat yourself without feeling guilty. You can spend more time with your friends. You spend a lot less time doing housework and boring "running a family" chores.
• Not having to worry about how selfish you were
• One of the best things was living with other guys of a similar age.
• Wasting away the hours playing computer games ... hang on ... maybe that wasn't so great after all
• Not answerable for how I spent money and more male attention.
• Being able to change my plans after stating them, without being held to them.
• Not being accountable in actions or decisions
• Spontaneity
• You can be as selfish with your time as you see fit- be social and polite or just not enter communal living.
• I have some awesome friends from uni, when I was single, who really are friends for life, and there when I need them. I was able to cultivate deep friendships with people.

What was the hardest thing about being single?

• Underlying pressure to chat a girl up to get a girlfriend and knowing I wasn't very good at it !
• No sex, even if there was opportunity.
• Uncertainty
• The desire to not be single!
• lack of romance no children
• I was blessed to meet my husband very young so didn't have any real battles.
• Living a holy life (with regard to lust and sexual purity)
• Sometimes feeling that I didn't have any one special person who I was very close to. And now that I'm married I think it would be very hard to go back to living as a single person, I think I would probably find it quite lonely, although that isn't always solved by being married and people can still feel alone.
• Always feeling under pressure to meet someone
• Living at home.
• The desire to want to share life with someone. The trips home to see family where everyone in my family is married...and questions why you are not married!
• Purity!
• Tried and failed relationships - high emotional cost of break ups
• Feeling left out, because we live in a such a "coupley" society - i.e. dinner parties etc. Lonely, not having someone to share all your experiences and thoughts with.
• Being single-the fact that in our society single is only one part of the process to getting married.
• Having to spend time in your own company when you really wanted to be spending times with others
• Not knowing if/when I would find a partner
• As someone who really enjoys the companionship of being married, looking back it was difficult when I didn't have one person who I could share everything with and work together with.
• House sharing
• Not having someone to share special occasions with, not knowing that I would one day meet someone
• Less physical affection...wondering if I would get married/have kids.
• Insularity, loneliness.
• At times severe feelings of loneliness
• lack of companionship
• Wanting to be in a meaningful relationship.
• Loneliness
• Flipside of being alone- being lonely- not always having someone to share life with- the +ve and the -ve
• Missing Companionship
• Sometimes being lonely. Being married is a big deal in church life so being single can be made to seem like a lesser status.
• Sexual purity
• Not being the most important person to anyone. Having crushes on people who weren't interested, people having a crush on me, and not being interested, lost a couple of friends that way. Pastors making such a big deal about it!!!

Is there anything you feel you have "lost" since getting married? 
(Edited)

• Me time. Early on I felt I lost out socially with friends who weren't married. Didn't feel as free to join them when they went to pub or clubs.
• No
• Time alone
• Making decisions by myself knowing the outcome would just affect me.
• I often feel like a mother first, a wife second, and "me" third. I know this is the wrong way round!
• Perhaps a sense of freedom. Sometimes I feel restricted in how I can spend my time and have to take into account expectations from a Husband, although occasionally I can feel encouraged to do something I might not have tried or had the confidence to do on my own - so I guess people could feel more free.
• Can't think of any thing at all, we were engaged when I was 17 and all I ever wanted was to be married.
• On reflection, 2 things, a less close relationship with girlfriends due to not seeing them as often, and secondly time for chill alone, which is not a big loss.
• Having my own personal space to think - a personal (bed)room.
• Part of myself, because you become more like the person you married, partly to please them, partly because it makes life easier. This can be a good thing too though as you learn from one another.
• Independence
• Not hugely, but sometimes I feel a loss of being able to make quick decisions on certain things. It can take a lot longer to make a decision these days as I have to consider someone else.
• the duvet, clothes space & ability to decide my own bed time
• Probably less disciplined in quiet times and prayer (contrary to what I would've expected!)
• Spontaneity
• I think initially it was hard to become a "couple" and be seen as such- but that transition worked through before marriage in some ways.
• A tidy house!
• Definitely not.
• not really, I got married when 23, straight from uni, so we started adult working life together, and have grown up as adults together.

If you had your time as a single person again is there anything you would do differently? If so, what?
(Edited)

• Sought older role models for discipleship to help me mature.
• No
• Stop worrying!
• Embrace life rather than dwell on wanting to not be single.
• Embrace the independence and try not to fear the future. I look back now and see that worrying about the future stopped me from enjoying the time.
• I would make better use of my time.
• Not really, I was quite happy being single. Although I would encourage others to make the most of living with other friends where possible.
• I would love to have been a Christian when single
• Move out to a flat or shared house.
• Wait patiently, trusting God more.
• Spend less time looking for a good husband and more time training to be a good wife. To honour the men I dated better and cause them less pain.
• I would probably looked at joining groups for example art classes
• I would love to have been more content with my life as a single person and not been anxious about if/when that would change. Not sure that I would automatically be any better at that if I was single again though!
• After breaking up with a girlfriend there was often not that much time before I started to pursue another girl. I would have like to have enjoyed my time without having a girlfriend more and attempted to be more content.
• I would prepare for marriage better
• Not really - I felt a sense of Gods purpose and timing in my singleness. Although getting married and having kids were idols for me if I'm really honest
• Pray more for my future husband.
• Travel back overseas, probably somewhere sub-tropical, but this time, south of the Equator; making no long term destination plans.
• Get married sooner! :-)
• I would try to view it more as a positive season sand make the most of the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives.
• save up financially
• I wonder- if I was suddenly independent now- life and priorities would be different but that is because of what has gone before, which I would not want to change at all.
• Get to Know God more, build myself up more, not worry about half the things I once worried about.
• Being more aware of the consequences of actions further down the line. (sorry for the vagueness)

What positive habits / attitudes did you cultivate in the singleness season which have reaped a blessing for you now that you are married?
(Edited)

• Spontaneous. Fun.
• Purity in relation to my friends and a driven-ness to love and honour God's ways. Consequently, I have no regrets, baggage or the like to deal with.
• Friendship, tidiness
• Spending time with other families/married couples who were older than me who have been a good example to follow.
• some focus & self control
• Being clear that God is in control.
• These are hard questions... I guess just living the way you think God wants you to so that then when you get married you can hopefully carry on living that way. Not waiting to get married and thinking that will solve a lot of your problems.
• none seem to be very negative habits.
• Living with other singles and growing in hospitality, and learning to share life closely with them helps with moving in together when married.
• Praying for my spouse
• A dependence on God for intimacy, knowing that he knows me best
• Spending time with God. Spending money sensibly. Serving at church. Became strong, confident and secure in myself - great thing to bring into a relationship.
• Caring for others
• It was an opportunity to practice trusting in God and his providence. This has helped when on occasion I have felt let down by my spouse - as no spouse can ever fulfil all that we need!
• Being interested in people and seeking to put others first.
• patience and honesty, being accountable and truthfull with a friend / friends before being married and then doing so with my wife
• regular prayer & worship, routine & self-discipline
• Serving, trusting God for his timing, house sharing was great preparation for living with a spouse!
• Spending time with married couple and families who were open.
• Trustworthiness; reputation for it.
• politeness, tidiness, thoughtfulness
• I spent a lot of time with God, including fasting and spending large periods of time focussed on him. This solid foundation has helped now that our circumstances mean that I don't have so much time.
• Not sleeping around
• Being part of a community. Living in a shared house- having a group of close Christian friends of both sexes. It was a great way to learn communication and grace and forgiveness and joy (not perhaps always in that order! They were a great blessing!
• Knowing who I am and not needing people to validate everything I do. Having passion and drive to be better.
• An ability to be self-sufficient which helps... It is never healthy to be too reliant on another person. Even in a marriage I think it is good to maintain your own interests, friends etc as well as jointly.
• Learning how to trust God with everyday living.
• Having travelled and done a gap year before getting married, I didn't change my plans because I was no longer single, and we still make sure we both have time to follow our own interests and do things independently.

What negative habits / attitudes did grew up in the singleness season which have painful for you to undo now that you're married?
(Edited)

• I didn't really mature or grow up. Didn't have a job. Hadn't lived alone, except uni. Little life experience. Etc.
• Nothing painful or which needed undoing, but one negative thing which happened a bit in my earlier teens before becoming a Christian was looking at boys mags with school friends. The images I saw will always be there but have now been replaced with an even better image, the delight of seeing my wife (I'm biased!).
• Drinking
• Selfish attitude to time and money
• self sufficiency
• Worrying about the future and looking to the next thing instead of enjoying the present.
• Allowing my thoughts to wander where they ought not to.
• Not sure... I'm not sure it's a habit but once married I think I became a lot more open than I had been previously. Perhaps it would have been helpful to have been more open with others before being married too? But I guess having someone supportive you can be open with and trust builds confidence to be more open with others.
• Very possessive of my girl friend even when we were first married, with a great fear of rejection, which was hard to get release from.
• Sin with others in past relationships before becoming a Christian.
• Independent mind set, wanting to spend my own money how I want, making my own decisions, managing my own time.
• I'm quite controlling and like to just get on and make decisions and do stuff - not good in marriage - you always have to stop and consider the other person, ask if it's OK and shall we do it? etc Huge independence - not helpful once married.
• Spending money on yourself
• sharing my time
• A certain amount of selfishness and liking things done my way had to change when I got married but I think this is likely to be the case for many!
• purity issues, lust, selfishness that I never really understood the extent of until I was married
• Lust & being used to going to sleep with the radio on
• An unhealthy emphasis on a husband to fulfil my needs. Should've have relied on God more.
• Political stubbornness: Left of right-wing tendencies compared with wife's socialism; no meeting ground at that point.
• Independence, false strength, enjoying my own company
• over-reaction
• I was obsessively tidy, which cannot be easily maintained with others around.
• Being so independent.
• Liking things my own way and wanting my husband to do things the way I like them to be done!
• Being selfish with material things
• not sure, can't remember if any, too long ago....

Is there anything you wish you had known about married life as a single person before you got there?
(Edited)

• It's ok to argue in a marriage. Healthy conflict is good.
• It takes effort and commitment to work as you want it to (which is not all the time), but it's worth it!
• You have to work hard at married life...it's not as easy as it sometimes looks!
• I used to look at married women with children and think they had "made it" and must be so fulfilled and have everything sorted. Now I see that's really not the case and wonder if single girls ever look at me and think the same.
• How to make 'joint' decisions in a sensible and satisfactory way.
• I don't think I appreciated until I was married the level of influence that the other person can have on you. I think you choose by marrying to let them have the greatest influence on you and will probably naturally become more like them... so pick someone you like :) Also their attitude towards you and the world will probably have a massive effect on how you see yourself and the world around.
• Wish the marriage prep course had been available then would have been a great help
• Honestly no..or not yet.marriage prep as time to ask openly was v helpful.
• That it is not always as hard as people tell you it will be!
• I think I was prepared as well as possible by the church and the support of friends and family
• There seemed to be a lot of focus on how difficult marriage can be when I was leading up to getting married which was really helpful to hear. But this was almost at the expense of hearing how good it can be. Perhaps married people feel bad about saying that marriage is great because they might get labled a smug married!
• It takes more work than you would think. When you are single you have so much free time (that you won't have when you are married, particularly once you have had kids!)
• How to listen and empathise better
• The extent to which you have to trust someone else with your life/well being
• Love hurts
• :) no- the fun is in the growing and learning and being together.
• That it really matters who you marry, and I married a great guy for which I am thankful to God everyday. Marriage is a huge commitment but for me, it's not as hard as people sometimes make it seem. For me that's a blessing.
• How your relationship will change as you age and the seasons of your life change. Even though marriage is incredibly tough at times it is still better to be with your soul mate than on your own!
• Hard to say as everything changed all at once for me, marriage, work, relocate. I think I wish I didn't think I knew all the answers as a student, I know now how much I don't know, and I am much happier as a result, much easier to trust God and your partner when you don't think you have the answer all the time.